


Round and Round

by flootiger



Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Angst, First Time, M/M, Twincest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 13:32:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootiger/pseuds/flootiger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill is taking the rock and roll lifestyle too seriously and it’s starting to worry Tom. It’s hard though, when they’re both struggling to come to terms with changing feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my darlings Marie for the banner and Zeph for the fab beta job! 
> 
>  

It was pushing three in the morning when Tom started to wonder when they’d come home. He’d opted out of this one, claiming an uncharacteristic bout of fatigue. But when twelve came and went, then one, two and suddenly it was three AM, he was beginning to regret that decision.   
  
It wasn’t that Bill was alone, he was with Georg and Gustav plus three member of their security team, it was that he wasn’t with Bill. That always bothered Tom.   
  
But something else was making Tom’s stomach knot in concern. Bill had been going out a lot recently and more often than not he’d come back wasted. It was all part of being a rock star, he’d said to Tom, but Tom wasn’t so sure. Bill was acting differently and not just when he was under the influence.   
  
He was antsy and restless and when he wasn’t moving around the bus aimlessly he was holed up in his bunk sleeping. At first Tom had put this behaviour down to boredom but when Bill’s already snappy mouth turned on Tom he was confused. Bill was always a bitch but now he barely spoke to Tom aside from an obligatory morning grunt.   
  
Besides, they had too much of a hectic schedule for even Bill to get bored.   
  
Tom sighed and began flipping disinterestedly through the channels they had on the bus. Nothing good was on and he’d watched every DVD they’d brought between them, some of them twice and The Notebook more times than he felt was necessary for a teenage boy.   
  
Beside him rested a pile of Bill’s magazines and a couple of Georg’s Playboys but even those didn’t interest him at the moment.   
  
“Should have gone out with them,” he mumbled, slouching further against the leather sofa in the media room. At least then he’d be able to keep an eye on Bill. His fingers stopped tapping the remote and on flickered a badly dubbed episode of Scrubs. Better than nothing. He resigned himself to the quietest night in ever.   
  
 _Slam._  
  
Tom jerked, a hand going to his face as he blinked into the dim room and realised he must have fallen asleep.   
  
“Shit.” He glanced at the blue digital numbers on the TV and saw it was almost four o’ clock in the morning.   
  
“Fuckin... fuckin...  _Tom_.”   
  
Tom frowned as he heard his brother’s voice on the other side of the door.   
  
Blearily, he stood and wobbled his way across the room, taking care to avoid the low set coffee table.   
  
“Shut up, Bill,” he heard Georg say, just as loudly. “You’re so loud all the time.”  
  
“You’re both too loud,” Tom recognised Gustav’s voice as it was added into the mix, the drummer much quieter.   
  
He pulled open the door to see Georg trying to hold Bill up by his waist and Gustav standing behind them looking as stoic as ever. Bill was bent double, one hand trying but failing to steady himself on his bunk, directly above Tom’s own.   
  
“He’s awake!” Bill hollered when he noticed Tom.   
  
“You got him drunk again?” Tom hissed, namely at Georg.   
  
“He insisted!” Georg said. Tom scowled as he heard the jovial slur in his friend’s voice.   
  
“Fuck you, man.” Tom moved closer, putting his hands on Bill’s shoulders and trying to manoeuvre him upright.   
  
“Grow a pair. Bill did.”   
  
Tom ignored his friend and instead looked over his shoulder at Gustav who shrugged.   
  
“He can do what he wants, man.”   
  
Tom’s pulled a sour expression and tried to ignore that one, too.   
  
“Tom, Tomi Tomi Tomi,” Bill was babbling.   
  
Without warning the bus lurched into motion and Bill pitched forward. With wild hands he tried grabbing onto Tom who was standing in the way to catch him but failed, one hand smothering Tom’s face and the other clutching thin air.   
  
“Mmph,” Tom’s hands automatically found Bill’s waist and held on, steadying his brother.   
  
The bus jolted again and Bill slipped from Tom’s grip, knocking into the bunks with a yowl.  
  
“Elbow, fucking...  _ow_.” Bill was cursing, rubbing sloppily at his sore elbow.   
  
Tom caught it in his hand and bent it to inspect the damage. It was already an angry shade of red. “It’s gonna bruise, Bill.”   
  
Bill grumbled and allowed Tom to pet over it briefly.   
  
“I’m going to bed.” Tom heard the eye roll in Gustav’s voice and was tempted to bite back with a  _well you didn’t have to go out with them_.   
  
Before he could though, Georg yawned obnoxiously loud and turned on his heels, heading towards the kitchenette at the other end of the bus.   
  
Georg always cooked after drinking; eating the concoction seemed to be optional.   
  
“Tom,” Bill was still saying.   
  
Tom’s attention returned to his twin. “I’m right here.”   
  
“Come to my bed,” Bill said, still somewhat slumped over Tom. His head couldn’t sit straight and it kept lolling forward, bashing against Tom’s collar bone.   
  
“I’ll take you to bed, just—shit you’re heavier than you look.” Tom grunted as he hefted Bill’s arm over his shoulders, trying to turn him round and face his own bunk.   
  
“No, no, no,” Bill was shaking his head, his breath wafting over Tom’s face. It smelt like Jack Daniels and cigarettes. Tom tried not to yell at Georg.   
  
“Yes,” Tom said firmly. “We’ve got a 6:30 wake-up call courtesy of David. That’s three fucking hours from now.”   
  
He boxed away  _that_  comforting thought for never.   
  
“Oohh Tomi, the room—”  
  
“Is spinning,” Tom finished for him, “yeah I know. Fucking great.”   
  
“No, that’s not it.” Bill mumbled. “It’s really hot, no... oh, too hot, Tomi. Take it all off.”   
  
Tom didn’t want to even try and make sense of Bill’s drunken ravings so he spun his brother round and forced him to sit back in his bunk.   
  
“Oh, yes... yes,” Bill’s hands stroked over the duvet, his hands swishing back and forth. He smiled down at it. “Not my bunk.”   
  
“Nope,” Tom said, crouching to tug off Bill’s leather boots. “Not tonight.”   
  
“Not any night.” Bill muttered, his head lolling dangerously again and his eyes slid shut. “Clothes,” he tried in vain to pick at the top he was wearing. Tom chuckled and helped his brother extricate himself from the tiny piece of fabric.   
  
Bill made a vague gesture and grunted and apparently jeans were next on the agenda. Tom aided him with these, too and soon Bill was swaying on Tom’s bunk in just his tiny boxers.   
  
Biting his lip, Tom looked away and ignored  _every_  weird feeling his body was battling with at seeing his brother so exposed.   
  
On the bed Bill was muttering about something. Tom sighed; and finally looked back up at his brother before gently lifting his legs up and placing them on his bunk. There was no way in hell Bill was in a sober enough state to attempt getting him into his own bunk. His lack of spatial awareness and general finesse made it nearly impossible under the best of circumstances. No, tonight Bill would have Tom’s bed and Tom would try and sleep in Bill’s bunk.   
  
Bill’s eyes flickered open and Tom found himself staring right into them. Bill smiled softly, swaying where he sat with his legs half curled onto the bed just as Tom had placed them. The moment was sweet and Tom wondered why they couldn’t share more of these again.   
  
He blinked and the moment was gone. “Right, sleep now.” Carefully he pressed his palms into Bill’s shoulders and eased him back into his bunk.   
  
Bill snuggled down readily, becoming a dead weight as Tom tucked him under the covers and tried to ignore the stench of alcohol.   
  
Just as he was about to pull away Bill’s arms locked around his neck and said; “This ‘s your bunk.”   
  
“Uhh,” Tom tugged, trying to get his brother to release him. “...Yeah,” he finish lamely.   
  
Bill’s eyelids were heavy but he was fixing Tom with a stare he couldn’t escape. “I knew you wouldn’— you wouldn’t stay in your bunk.”   
  
Tom didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t even sure what Bill was talking about.   
  
“Alright. Alright...” Bill nodded, his eyes closing again.   
  
The grip Bill had around Tom slackened as he drifted closer to slumbers and Tom sat back on his haunches, watching his twin fall asleep. Bill’s make-up was just beginning to smudge and his hair was already sticking up at odd angles, not unlike his usual styled coif. At last his face had arranged itself into something much more tranquil, his features relaxed and finally at ease.   
  
Very softly, Tom reached forward and placed his palm against Bill’s cheek. It was flushed and warm beneath his fingers. A moment later he stood, removing his hand and wondering if Bill’s alcohol levels had somehow seeped into his own system. His twin remained motionless and Tom exhaled through his nose, feeling that bizarre feeling he’d learnt to keep under lock and key trying to surface.   
  
He climbed into Bill’s bunk and wondered when Bill had become so much more fucking beautiful. That thought hurt a little so he focused on Georg’s drunken culinary skills until he fell asleep.   
  


~~~~

  
  
_Clang clang clang_.   
  
 _CLANG._  
  
Bill woke, grumbling and shifting stiffly where he lay. Someone was being way too loud and if they didn’t want to lose a limb they had better shut the fuck up.   
  
 _Clanggggg._  
  
He screwed his eyes shut against the world and hoped everything would stop.   
  
As if someone had heard his silent plea the noises subsided and Bill was left in peace one more. “Thank fuck,” he murmured.   
  
He rolled over and tried to fall back to sleep, willing his body to succumb to the gentle lull of the bus and low rumbling that meant they were travelling at quite a speed.   
  
Unfortunately his stomach did not agree and in a flash he sat bolt upright, throwing his legs down to the ground. They hit the floor instantly and Bill swore as he felt a sharp pain bite into his knees at the unexpected contact.   
  
“Fuck.” He was in Tom’s bunk.   
  
His confusion became secondary in the next moment as his stomach roiled angrily.   
  
“Fuuuuuuuck,” he groaned, throwing himself toward the bathroom and tugging on the handle. It slid open to reveal Gustav, a mildly indignant expression lining his smooth features and a toothbrush hanging from the corner of his mouth.   
  
Before he could no doubt tell Bill to wait, Bill shoved past him, managing to growl; “get the fuck out,” the split second before he heaved, chucking up everything inside his belly from the previous night.   
  
He gasped, heaving again and slumping over the toilet. Coughing, he flushed and groaned pathetically. The movements of the bus jerked him around and he croaked, leaning his clammy cheek against his arm.   
  
Sucking in several deep, controlled breaths, Bill managed to get his belly to calm down. How much had he drunk last night? It had become a bit of a blur after Georg had started ordering; never something that boded well.   
  
Once again the bus rolled over uneven terrain and Bill jolted, his back arching as he spewed more of his insides into the loo basin.   
  
He didn’t hear anyone come in, but a moment later someone was pulling gently on his hair, tugging it into a low ponytail and holding it in place.   
  
When he was done he spat, reaching with an unsteady hand to flush.   
  
“Better?” Someone was rubbing circles into his back and Bill hiccupped.   
  
He remained still, placing his sticky cheek back onto his arm and focused once again on breathing. In, out, in, out, in, fucking out again.   
  
“Are you okay?” The voice came again. This time Bill’s head was clear enough to tell it was Tom.   
  
“No,” he croaked.   
  
Tom continued to stroke Bill’s back soothingly. It was beginning to irritate Bill. He shrugged his shoulders, indicating to Tom to cease his movements. His brother took the hint and removed his palm leaving Bill feeling bereft instead of relieved.   
  
Too much contact was dangerous, he’d set himself ground rules that were becoming harder and harder to enforce during the past few weeks. The tour had been challenging for everyone but it was grinding on Bill more than ever, especially as he was fighting so hard to keep something so precious to him. If he let himself get too close again he’d lose Tom, he was sure of it.   
  
No. No contact, no overly sassy comments and definitely no doting-twin performances.   
  
“Are you feeling okay now?” Tom said. Bill shook his head and realised Tom was still holding his hair back for him.   
  
He jerked out of the gentle grip and half-turned to glare at Tom. “Go away.”   
  
Tom scowled, “I was just checking on you.”   
  
Bill grimaced into the toilet, fighting was much easier. “Just fuck off, Tom. I feel like shit and I’m not in the mood for the self-righteous big brother act.”   
  
“I wasn’t going to—”  
  
“ _Fuck. Off_ ,” Bill said lowly.   
  
He heard Tom leave and proceeded to throw up his guts.   
  


~~~~

  
  
Half an hour later, he emerged from the bathroom having thrown up everything from last week it seemed. During his time locked away a headache had made itself known right behind his eyes and he’d discovered a bruise on his right elbow. Great, David would make him wear jackets for the next week until it healed.   
  
Maybe he’d pay a visit to Natalie before any appearances. It was too hot to drape himself in layers.   
  
He’d cleaned his teeth, splashed water on his face then decided a shower would be a good idea. After finally managing to escape the sticky, post-clubbing feel he towelled himself dry and made his way back to the bunk area.   
  
Georg’s curtain was still pulled shut and he could hear the tell-tale rumble of the bassist’s snores - loud enough to fool anyone into thinking they were experiencing World War III.   
  
Gustav was nowhere to be seen and Tom must have made himself scarce after Bill’s earlier outburst.   
  
 _Fine. Great,_  thought Bill. He could get dressed in peace.   
  


~~~~

  
  
“I’m so glad we don’t have anything until sound check this afternoon.”   
  
“What?” Tom looked up form where he was slumped over his third mug of coffee.   
  
“You know, David cancelled that six thirty wake up call,” Gustav said, reaching above the counter for a box of cereal.   
  
“Oh, yeah,” Tom mumbled. He’d forgotten about that but dimly remembered saying it to a very drunk Bill last night. They’d sort of been conditioned not to question anything that happened, or that didn’t happen; someone would always be around to chivvy them to and from every second of their lives. They hadn’t been responsible for their own time management for a long time now. “Good.” He thought of trying to wake his twin at 6:30 and realised he probably wouldn’t have been able to, Bill had been out cold.   
  
He was worried about his brother. Bill was supposed to be the good one; he didn’t drink too much, smoked less than everyone bar Gustav and his unintentional celibacy wasn’t just a rumour.   
  
They’d always gone out together to let off steam but usually it was Tom and Georg that ended up drinking each other under the table. Even at the time he’d known it annoyed Bill so now he’d calmed down a bit. Was this Bill’s version of pay back?   
  
“Earth to Tom.”   
  
“Oh, sorry,” Tom wasn’t really sorry. He didn’t even know what he’d been missing. Probably a monologue about drums.   
  
“I asked if Bill’s okay.”   
  
Huh, Tom had been wrong. “Ugh,” he slouched even further onto the table. “Yeah... no. I don’t know.”   
  
“He drank a lot last night.” Gustav paused then snorted. “Nearly drank Hagen under the table.”   
  
Tom’s groaned at the thought. It was like Bill was purposely derailing himself. Was that it? Was Bill losing it? More than likely considering their lifestyle but Tom  _knew_  Bill. At least, he thought he did. Bill was stronger than anyone Tom knew and he wasn’t about to throw away what they’d worked so hard to build. Besides, Bill actually cared about his public persona. He  _wanted_  to be Germany’s sweetheart. Hell, he wanted to the whole fucking world’s sweetheart.   
  
Tom sighed, “I’m going to get dressed, David wants us out in an hour.”   
  
He left Gustav in the company of his untouched coffee.   
  


~~~~

  
  
“Stop fucking around, we’re gonna be late!” Tom yelled onto the bus.   
  
Bill emerged looking mutinous and shoved a pair of sunglasses on. With purpose he stalked past Tom, making sure to knock into him on the way.   
  
Tom grit his teeth and ignored it, turning to follow his twin. He had a guitar slung over his shoulder and Bill’s jacket for when David ragged on him about the bruise to his elbow.   
  
This was going to be a long sound check.   
  
They were the last ones out, Tom of course being stuck waiting for his brother, and now they would be the ones to get shit from David about how  _time is money; this industry doesn’t wait around for stragglers._  
  
Tom hadn’t realised how sour his expression had turned until Natalie plonked him in the make-up chair only to stand back, looking affronted.   
  
“What?” Tom snapped.   
  
“What did I do?” Natalie folded her arms, one hand wielding a brush.   
  
“Oh,” Tom had the good grace to duck his head apologetically. “Sorry, long week.”   
  
“Mm, sorry,” Natalie returned and began to apply some powder to Tom’s nose. “We all need a break.”   
  
Tom nodded absently then stopped, frowning. “Wait, why are you doing make-up now? It’s just sound check.”   
  
“David didn’t tell you? And stop frowning,” Natalie continued with her work. “Someone’s here for a backstage feature,  _Bravo_  I think.”   
  
“Shit.” Slapping on a happy face was not on his agenda until at least their live show that night.   
  
He wondered how Bill would take the news.   
  


~~~~

  
  
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Bill threw his hands in the air and stalked to the greying sofa in the Green room.   
  
“Stop acting like a brat, Bill,” David sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.   
  
“Easy for you to say, you’re not the one with a camera shoved in your face all day.”   
  
“I’m the one that organises all your shit,” David fixed Bill with a stern glare that made Bill feel slightly ashamed of his diva act. Only slightly. He was hung over, craving his twin’s attention but not about to seek it himself and his head hurt. On top of that he was hot because, as predicted, David had made Bill put on a jacket to hide the bruising elbow.   
  
“Sorry,” he mumbled, only half meaning it. He folded his arms and crossed one leg over the other. “Can you get Tom?”   
  
David snorted and turned to leave the room. “Get him yourself, he’s your twin. I’m going to carry on organising your shit. Be ready in fifteen.”   
  
Their manager left Bill sitting in mocking silence and he groaned, collapsing sideways and face planting into the sofa. He knew he had to get his act together, both for the backstage feature and for the sake of the band, let alone his own sanity. Tom’s, too for that matter.   
  
He knew how to be professional, he  _would_  be professional.   
  
Closing his eyes Bill absently thought back to the start of his behavioural shift.   
  
 _Their twinned laughter bounced around the deserted hallway as they made their way to the hotel rooms. They’d been given one each, a treat to everyone but Bill, and he was beginning to suspect, Tom, too. The night had been fun and the alcohol had been flowing and Bill had become happier and happier as the night wore on.  
  
Tom jabbed his ribs good-naturedly and Bill laughed, squirming away playfully.   
  
“You’re pretty. Pretty when I’m drunk,” Tom was saying. “When’d you get so pretty?”   
  
Bill giggled and stumbled a bit as they made their way up the corridor. “I’m always pretty.” He sang.   
  
Tom grabbed him around the waist and said “I know. I know I know.”   
  
“You fucking know it,” Bill beamed.   
  
Tom nodded but he wasn’t smiling like Bill was. He looked troubled and Bill reached an unsteady finger to poke between his brows. “Don’t frown. I’m here.”   
  
Tom’s frown deepened, “I know.” He said again.   
  
Bill didn’t stop beaming. He was soaking up the attention Tom had been giving him all night. Tom only gave him attention when he got drunk. The normal kind he got all the time, but the_  special _kind he only got when Tom’s system had been flooded with alcohol.  
  
Tonight they’d gone to celebrate... something, the importance of it having been eclipsed by Tom’s almost constant attentiveness.  
  
Bill wasn’t as drunk as Tom. Tom drank and drank until he wouldn’t remember anything in the morning. This normally annoyed Bill but tonight he revelled in it, seeking thrill after thrill as Tom would touch him more and more. At the beginning of the night Tom had been next to Bill, elbow to elbow as they shared laughter and drinks. By the end of the night Tom’s hand kept wandering to Bill’s knee under the table, squeezing it and stroking his thumb over it. He’d even wrapped an inconspicuous arm around Bill’s waist, pulling him closer.   
  
Tom was still frowning so Bill placed both hands on Tom’s forehead and massaged the wrinkles away.   
  
“Smile for me, Tomi,” Bill said quietly.   
  
Tom smiled, his eyes drifting down to Bill’s lips.   
  
Bill allowed himself to be pulled closer and smiled still wider. “We’re here,” Tom said huskily, the alcohol lowering his voice considerably.   
  
This time it was Bill’s turn, “I know.” He nodded.   
  
He was so happy. He wanted Tom to kiss him. Tom thought he was pretty. Tom was going to kiss him.   
  
Then Tom’s features contorted and he whirled round, opening the door to his hotel room and slamming it in Bill’s face.   
  
Bill’s smile dropped from his features instantly and he opened his mouth, ready to throw a tantrum. Then the edges of sobriety began to creep in and Bill flushed, holding a hand to his mouth as he felt bile rise in his throat.   
  
He ran to his own room, fumbling with the key card before lurching inside and only just making it to the bathroom.   
  
They’d been that close to destroying everything they had. If Tom didn’t want what Bill wanted, he’d just have to bury it as deep as fucking possible.   
  
Which was easy considering Tom remembered nothing of it._  
  
“I’m coming in!”   
  
Bill jerked, his head coming up as he briefly struggled with gravity to sit up.   
  
It was Tom, shuffling in and trying not to look too lame as he held up his voluminous jeans.   
  
Bill snorted and nodded at Tom’s trousers. “You should borrow a pair of mine.”   
  
It was Tom’s turn to snort, “No thanks. Mum wants grandkids.”   
  
That stung and Bill tightened his lips, folding his arms in a defensive posture.   
  
Tom must have noticed his change in conduct for he shuffled closer until he’d dropped himself beside Bill, far too close.   
  
Bill decided he wouldn’t be the first to say something and sat in prickly silence. Luckily for him, Tom started barely a minute later.   
  
“How are you feeling?”   
  
“I don’t want to talk about it.”   
  
To his mild horror Tom had the audacity to laugh. “So like shit then.”   
  
Bill didn’t say anything.   
  
“Come on, Bill,” he felt Tom shift minutely closer. “Talk to me.”   
  
“What about?”   
  
There were a few more minutes silence in which Bill stewed and Tom moved around again, his jeans scraping against the rough fabric of the dilapidated sofa.   
  
“Bill,” Tom tried, “I’m worried.   
  
“Don’t be.”   
  
“I’m serious!”   
  
“So am I!”   
  
“You’ve got to stop acting like some fucking distressed rock star all the time,” Tom said sharply.   
  
Bill turned to his twin, opening his mouth and feeling utterly affronted. “I  _am_  a fucking distressed rock star.”   
  
“Why? You’re only doing it to yourself. The drinking I mean.” Tom frowned. “Just... can’t you stop?”   
  
“Maybe I don’t want to.”   
  
“But  _I_  want you to,” Tom’s voice was tinted with a plea now and Bill felt a bit guilty. He knew his brother must hurt when he was acting like such an alcoholic bitch but it was better than the alternative. He couldn’t have Tom hate him, he knew he’d die.   
  
“I’m just letting off steam,” he said flatly. “It’s not like it’s a problem.” And truthfully, it wasn’t.   
  
“Why are you so distressed then?” Tom was trying a different tact.   
  
Bill shrugged, “Tour stress, David, homesick. I don’t know.”   
  
“Is it me?”   
  
Bill was thrown an unexpected curve ball and turned sharply to look directly at his twin. “Why would it be you?”   
  
“Is this like, revenge?”   
  
Honestly, Bill didn’t know what to make of that. “Revenge? What the fuck for?”   
  
Tom shrugged, clasping his hands in his lap and regarding Bill. “I used to drink and go out a lot, more than you. I knew it bothered you so I stopped. Then you started and I... yeah,” he trailed off.   
  
Bill winced, feeling guilty. How could he explain any of this to Tom? He had enough trouble trying to pick through his own tangle of emotions. It was such a mess.   
  
Fate interrupted them at that very moment in the form of Dunja, leaving Bill to flounder no more. “ _Bravo_  are here, David wants you in the arena.”   
  
Bill could feel Tom’s desperate stare on the back of his head as he stood, moving swiftly to the door and disappearing into the furore.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me a while to get this chapter up. I actually have a lot of the story written so I'll try and update it on here regularly :) Thank you to my readers!

Sound check wasn’t as bad as Tom had anticipated and he took that to be the silver lining of the day. Georg fucked up a few more times than usual but other than that everything went smoothly. Even Bill had hidden away his inner bitch long enough to smile for the cameras. Bill was nothing if not professional, Tom had to admit.   
  
“That’s it for now, guys!” One of the tech team let them know.   
  
Tom set down his guitar, automatically moving across to meet Bill at the centre of the stage. He stopped short when Bill half turned towards him then, as if changing his mind, span back around and hopped off the front of the stage.   
  
Casting his eyes in his twin’s direction he noticed two camera men and a woman in stiletto heels holding a clipboard.   
  
He only just managed to refrain from rolling his eyes.   
  
“Come on, man. Let’s get this over with.” Georg clapped him on the shoulder as he followed Bill to where the small  _Bravo_  crew were standing.   
  
A second later Gustav walked past and Tom had no choice but to trail after him, trying very hard not to look too subdued. While Bill always took lead role when it came to interviews, Tom was a close second and he knew David would be pissed if he tried to sulk in the background too much.   
  
“It’s tough on the road, you know,” Bill was saying. “But it’s always exciting, we’re so lucky to be able to see all these cool places.”   
  
“Yeah, Bill likes to collect a souvenir from each city we visit,” Georg added.  
  
The lady turned to Tom then, smiling widely and motioning for the camera to follow. He tried not to look too caught out when she asked; “We’re hearing a lot about your souvenirs, Tom. What do you have to say about being named Germany’s newest sex god?”   
  
“Uhh, well, you know,” Tom hedged, trying to summon up his infamous cocky manner for the camera. “Sometimes the ladies get lucky. I’m not interested in finding a relationship at the moment, not like my brother.” Taking care to grin directly at the woman who nodded in apparent rapture, Tom went on, “I’m happy with love for one night.”   
  
She was eating it up, and he knew the fans would too. David would be pleased and Georg would tease him later for the playboy act but something was off. He darted his eyes to the side, noting Bill’s tight-lipped expression and wondered what in hell he could’ve done wrong this time. Wasn’t this was he was supposed to do?   
  
The interview only lasted another twenty minutes and then they got shooed off, being told to “act normal” while the two camera men followed their every backstage move for another hour.   
  
Just when Tom was tempted to ask if they had enough footage, the  _Bravo_  lady stepped up to him, still smiling so widely. Tom noticed she had no cameraman with her this time.   
  
She reached forward to place her hand on his bicep. He was pretty sure he knew what was going to come next but it still threw him when she leant in close.  
  
“I’m only twenty-seven, you know.” She purred, looking at Tom with hooded eyes.   
  
 _Yeah, and I’m barely legal_ , Tom wanted to say. Instead, he swallowed, “Um—”  
  
“Tom!”   
  
Tom jerked, looking over the woman to see Bill stalking towards them.   
  
“Er, I’ve got to go. Nice meeting you, er....”  
  
“Carolina,” she woman said curtly as Tom was whisked down the corridor and Bill gave her dagger eyes.   
  
When they’d disappeared from earshot Tom said, “Thanks for saving my ass.”   
  
“I wasn’t. David wants us.”   
  
“Oh,” Tom mumbled. “Of course he does.”   
  
“Bill—”  
  
“Don’t,” Bill said. “I don’t want to talk about it.”   
  
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!” Tom burst out.   
  
“Call it twin telepathy.”   
  
Tom gaped at his brother. When had he become such a cold bitch  _all the damn time_?   
  
“For fucks sake, Bill!” He surged forward, knocking Bill into an alcove that hid them from the hustle of backstage. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”   
  
“What the fuck is wrong with  _me_?” Bill hissed, trying to worm his way out from where Tom had him pinned by the shoulders. “Can’t you keep it in your pants for five seconds?”   
  
Tom’s mouth dropped. “I wasn’t going to do anything! She’s twenty-seven!” He shook his head. “Besides, what the hell has that got to do with anything?” He felt Bill’s huff ghost over his face and shook his head minutely, trying to rid himself of much less welcome stirrings.   
  
Bill pursed his lips and averted his gaze momentarily before snapping it back up to Tom’s with venom. “Everything and fucking nothing at all. Do whatever you like, Tom. Don’t think about the consequences just like you always do.”   
  
Tom had completely lost the thread of conversation. Bill had better clue him in or he was about to blow a gasket. “Bill,” he said very slowly. “What,  _the fuck_ , are you talking about?”   
  
“Nothing,” Bill had clammed up again and he shoved into Tom hard enough to throw him off kilter.   
  
“Why are you taking whatever inner angst you’re dealing with out on me?” Tom said, following after his brother and trying to keep his voice low. “ _Talk_  to me, you always used to.”   
  
Bill visibly deflated, “I’m tired, Tom,” he said, and he really did sound it.   
  
Tom calmed down then. “Really?” He asked quietly.   
  
“Yes,” Bill slanted him a look and stopped.   
  
Tom came to a halt, too and stood before his brother, hardly daring to breathe in case he broke the spell. Bill’s eyes came up to meet his own and then looked away quickly. He crossed his arms, blocking Tom out again and Tom sighed. Arguing was almost better.   
  
“Come on, Bill.” Tom brushed his hand over Bill’s bicep much as Carolina had done earlier. He tried to ignore it when Bill shrugged out of the brief touch. “Why don’t we go back to the bus for a bit? Watch a movie before the show tonight? We can get some rest.”   
  
His brother wasn’t warming to idea so he switched course slightly and said, “or after the show?” That’d give Bill enough time to cool off.   
  
Bill nodded and sighed. “Fine.”   
  
‘Fine’ was as good as he was going to get, Tom thought as he watched Bill step into the Green room.   
  


~~~~

  
  
Bill entered the Green room wanting nothing more than to ignore David’s lectures and crawl onto the bus with Tom for a movie. This was getting harder and harder to deal with. His insides were still squirming from when Tom had touched his arms and he’d had to fight to control his breathing when Tom’d had him cornered against the wall. He was angry at himself for not being able to control how he was feeling, he didn’t even know  _how_  any more.   
  
“Gustav and I are staying in tonight,” Georg told him as he sat himself next to the bassist.   
  
“Fine,” Bill said. Thinking it would probably be a good idea to stay in but not wanting to all the same.   
  
He needed space. More than that though, he needed Tom, which meant going out would have been an ideal distraction.   
  
Tom joined them a second later. Bill could feel his eyes on him but thankfully Tom didn’t make a move to come sit beside Bill. He went to stand by an empty coat stand instead leaving Bill to calm himself down.   
  
“Great job everyone,” David said when he saw they were all there. “You’re free until you’re due back here. Bill, Natalie said she’d fix your elbow so come here ten minutes early, okay?”   
  
“Sure, David,” Bill assented, glad he wasn’t going to be forced into wearing a leather jacket under all the stage lights and even gladder David hadn’t yet questioned the reason behind the bruising   
  
“I’m going to bed,” Georg grumbled, heaving himself from the sofa.   
  
“Lay off the drinks tonight, okay boys?” David said in a tone that left no room to argue.   
  
Bill stood, too and made his way to the door. He was stopped by a hand pressing into his forearm, just below the joint.   
  
Looking down he saw Tom’s long fingers wrapped around it and he sighed, resigning himself to his brother’s company.   
  
“ _Don’t_  ask if I’m okay,” he warned and moved past Tom.   
  
Behind him, Tom chuckled and he heard him jog to catch up.   
  
“Wasn’t going to,” Tom said. “What movie?”   
  
Bill opened his mouth.   
  
“And  _don’t_  say  _The Notebook_.”   
  
Bill felt the corners of his mouth lift in an involuntary smile. Maybe they’d be okay.   
  


~~~~

  
  
“You can choose.” Tom said, positioning himself on the leather couch.   
  
“Thanks,” Bill squatted next to the cupboard where they kept the band’s communal collection of DVDs. He perused for a few seconds, pulling out a couple he might like to see. Bill blinked, trying to focus on the small print on each DVD. He was knackered, the concert having been and gone, David’s customary report afterwards a distant memory and now they were back on the road.   
  
“There has to be at least one explosion,” Tom informed him.   
  
Bill scoffed, “You want some tits to go with that?”   
  
“Ideally, yes,” Tom said and Bill gave a short laugh, amused that his brother’s bravado from earlier had followed them onto the bus.   
  
“How about  _Tomb Raider_?”   
  
“Nah, saw it with Gustav last week.”   
  
“ _The Bourne Identity_?”   
  
“Do  _you_  want to watch that?”   
  
“Well, no.”   
  
“How about  _Arthur and the Invisibles_?”   
  
“Fuck off or I’ll put  _The Notebook_  on.”   
  
He scowled as Tom sniggered and plucked  _Labyrinth_  from the collection. Waving it over his shoulder he heard Tom make a surprised sound and then a noise of consent. He flipped it open and slotted the disc into the player, chucking the remote to Tom as he made his way to join him on the sofa.   
  
“We haven’t watched this in years,” Tom mused quietly.   
  
“I know,” Bill said softly as he settled down comfortably.   
  
Ten minutes into the movie and Tom’s legs had drifted closer to Bill’s. He knew Tom couldn’t realise it was bothering him, why should it? They’d been closer than this before and Bill had never said a peep. In fact, he missed the closeness more than anything. Perhaps if he shifted his leg just so...   
  
As casually as possible Bill moved, lifting himself slightly before repositioning a fraction nearer to his brother. There, Bill smiled.   
  
“What are you grinning at?”   
  
Bill blushed and snapped his head round to see Tom grinning at him.   
  
“Just... the movie. Haven’t seen it since we were kids.”   
  
“We watched it when we went on the first tour,” Tom reminded him.  
  
Frowning at the memory, Bill nodded slowly. “Oh, yeah.”   
  
“Guess we  _were_  kids though,” Tom said. “Still are,” he snorted. “Or at least mum seems to think so.”   
  
Bill let out a laugh, “Yeah, not even going on an international tour will convince her that her babies are grown up.”   
  
Tom patted his knee and cast him a fond look that made Bill look away.   
  
“Hey,” Tom said gently. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”   
  
Bill didn’t even  _want_  to say otherwise. Tom’s tone was so reassuring, so soft and caring that he couldn’t just put up his walls and throw it all back in Tom’s face. Not tonight when things were okay.   
  
“I know,” he said, very quietly.   
  
In his peripherals he saw Tom face back to the TV and he sighed. Part of him wondered why Tom didn’t press the matter this time. The rest of him knew that Tom was convinced Bill would eventually tell him what was going on in due course and his heart ached. Tom was giving him time and privacy and this was possibly more effective than any other tactics Tom had tried over the past few weeks.   
  
Bill would have to be careful.   
  


~~~~

  
  
When  _Labyrinth_  ended Tom smiled and stretched, taking care not to jostle Bill too much. During the last half an hour of the film Bill had fallen asleep, collapsing against Tom’s shoulder and snoring softly into his dreadlocks.   
  
Nothing knocked Bill out like a concert, especially the big ones. He got so excited and so into it that he ended up using up all his energy conserves for those two hours he was on stage and at some point in the evening he’d completely zonk out.   
  
This time, Tom was pleased to say, he hadn’t ensconced himself into his bunk with his iPod and some gummy bears but had remained huddled on the couch with Tom. The closeness was something Tom had been craving almost desperately recently and he was sure if Bill wasn’t so damn icy they’d both be able to give each other the contact they needed.   
  
The tour wore everyone thin but Bill seemed to be hit the hardest.   
  
Carefully, Tom reached for the remote, switching of the end credits and readjusting himself slightly. As wonderful as this was, it wasn’t exactly comfortable. If he wasn’t careful he’d end up with one entire side of his body almost paralyzed by Bill’s weight.   
  
Bill grunted in his sleep and Tom looked down at him. Kohl covered lids were flickering with dreams and Tom could see the small dip of an unconscious frown between his twin’s brows. Removing it would be nice, Tom thought, if only he knew how.  
  
Instead, he yawned and thought about moving. It didn’t seem likely and he wasn’t about to wake Bill, for both fear of meeting the wrath of his brother at 2AM and simply wanting to leave him be. Tom decided leaving Bill be would be best. He dropped his head back against the sofa and pulled Bill closer. A soft sigh escaped his brother’s lips and Tom turned to see Bill’s eyes flutter open. They didn’t open properly, he blinked a few times then settled closer, falling neatly into the crook of Tom’s arm and nuzzling the fabric of his hoodie sleepily.   
  
Tom hadn’t realised he’d been holding his breath. He couldn’t take his eyes off his twin and this sacred him. Fighting it seemed futile however, and his heart beat faster when Bill’s hand closed in a fist against his chest like an anchor.   
  
Those fucking  _feelings_  that always managed to surface no matter how hard Tom tried to bury them were stirring inside him. A dull ache thudded in his chest and Tom realised it was the heavy weight of his heart. It was obvious he wanted something, but it was something he couldn’t have, had barely allowed himself to acknowledge.   
  
Tom screwed his eyes shut tight and told himself to calm the fuck down or he’d do something he’d regret.   
  
He nearly jumped a mile when Bill muttered something. He held his breath, not wanting his twin to wake up. It took a moment for his brain to work out  _why_  exactly; was he scared of Bill waking to their somewhat compromising position, or was he afraid Bill would up and leave as soon as he realised how close they were?   
  
 _How close they were._  
  
The words rang in Tom’s head and he frowned. How close  _were_  they? Bill was doing his best to shove him as far out of his life as was possible at the moment, leaving Tom baffled and bereft. It was like some tie had been severed between them and now they were adrift, unsure how to rein the other back in.   
  
Was there such a thing as too close? Was Bill feeling stifled by their bond?   
  
Tom ignored that thought as it made him feel sick.   
  
No, Tom was sure that ‘too close’ wasn’t a concept he wanted to look to deeply into, for right now all he craved was his twin again. Right?   
  
They would team up against Georg and Gustav again, win every argument with a quick shower of snide remarks, they would rile David up enough to get him to succumb to their every whim. Or at least try to and moan about it together when they failed. They would spend all night talking about renting an entire theme park for themselves and how they’d take trips around the world to see all the wonderful sights.   
  
They would talk about how they were going to spend their whole lives together.   
  
Tom’s heart gave a twinge and he found himself holding onto Bill tightly. It seemed Bill was slipping away from him and Tom couldn’t do anything about it. Bill wouldn’t talk about it, he’d only drink away his supposed troubles until Tom would nurse him back to health and let him sleep in his bunk.   
  
That thought brought back an odd memory from the night before. What was it Bill had said?   
  
 _“I knew you wouldn’— you wouldn’t stay in your bunk.”_  
  
The words had had a disappointed ring that made Tom’s head spin. He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep. It didn’t take long with his twin held safely in his arms, the closest they’d been in a long while.   
  


~~~~

  
  
An annoying sound had infiltrated Tom’s dreams. He curled his body around something warm and focused very hard on the last remnants of his dreams, hoping this would prove to be the perfect recipe for re-entering sleep.   
  
The noise didn’t shut up however and he crunched his face into a displeased expression. “Wha?” He mumbled.   
  
“I said wake up!” Georg was crowing.   
  
Something shifted in Tom’s arms and he jumped, struggling against a dead weight resting on his chest. Had he pulled last night? He didn’t even remember any girls. A sickening thought flashed though his head as he cracked an eye open, mentally preparing himself to see the blonde shock of Carolina’s hair.   
  
Sighing in relief he sagged back against the leather couch. It was just Bill.   
  
Tom’s eyes remained open, blinking steadily in the bright light. What time was it? He must’ve slept well into the day for it to be so dazzling.   
  
He was stuck in a hazy limbo between waking and dreaming and the warm press of Bill’s body was serving as nothing but added comfort. They must have slipped down into a laying position during the night and now Bill was curled over Tom’s chest, Tom’s arm wrapped securely around his waist. Perhaps this should bother him, but all Tom could feel was elation at having Bill so close again.   
  
Bill moved again, waking up to the world alongside Tom. He was about to grin and offer a morning sentiment when Georg guffawed.   
  
“Finally getting up then, lovebirds?”   
  
At that, Bill sat bolt upright, glaring at Georg and then - to Tom’s bewilderment - glaring at him, too.   
  
“Fuck off,” Bill propelled himself from Tom’s body with unexpected force.   
  
“Tom, or me?” Georg was clearly loving this.   
  
“Both of you... just, fuck off.”   
  
Tom watched Bill stride to the other end of the media room, yank open the door and disappear into the confines of the bus. Tom ran a hand over his dreads, trying to sort them into some semblance of order. Everything seemed to be a bit muddled this morning.   
  
“Thanks a bunch you fucker,” Tom grouched, standing also.   
  
Georg laughed and raised his hands innocently. “I didn’t do anything wrong!”   
  
And honestly, he hadn’t, Tom thought bitterly. He knew the ‘lovebird’ comment must’ve irked Bill but his brain was doing nothing in terms of working out why. He needed caffeine.   
  
Ten minutes later Tom had two steaming mugs of coffee in his hands and was making his way to the bunk area where he knew Bill to be. It had soon transpired that Georg had merely woken them for the sake of disturbing them and they in fact had nothing on that day. Not even an interview – a true rarity.   
  
“Bill?”   
  
He was met with stony silence and he tried not to pick too carefully at that. Whatever was going on they needed to talk about it. Hell, Tom was still in the dark but his horror at realising he might be losing Bill last night was still fresh in his mind and the wonderful delight at waking to his twin in his arms was off-putting in a different kind of way.   
  
Without asking he pulled back the curtain of Bill’s bunk and set the two mugs on the shelf. Bill was facing the wall, curled up in a way that clearly told Tom or anyone else to fuck right off. Naturally, Tom ignored this and climbed up right beside his twin.   
  
Bill remained inconveniently motionless, making it very difficult for Tom to manoeuvre in the tiny space but at last he was sitting by Bill’s feet. He stayed still for a few moments and then tentatively reached forward to press his palm against Bill’s calf.   
  
The leg was jerked out of Tom’s hold before he’d even had time to give it the reassuring squeeze he’d hoped to.   
  
“Bill, come on,” Tom said, exasperated. “What’s this deal? Why can’t I touch you?”   
  
Still silence.   
  
Then, “it’s complicated.”   
  
Tom snorted. “Isn’t everything?”   
  
He watched Bill shrug a shoulder and decided that was progress.   
  
“Enough with the dramatics, we’re going to have to talk about this at some point,” Tom said. “You can’t push me away forever.”   
  
Bill tensed and Tom was pleased to see he was right. Bill indeed  _couldn’t_  push Tom away forever and it was now clear he knew this.   
  
Tom watched Bill pick at a bit of lint on the pillow and knew his brother was trying very hard to keep his mouth shut, a feat definitely trophy worthy. Suppressing a smile, Tom’s hand once again found Bill’s leg and rested it there. It took a moment for the initial tension in Bill’s body to dissipate but soon Tom brushed his thumb over the soft fabric of his track-pants and he was immediately thankful Bill didn’t kick him in the face.   
  
“I was thinking about the future last night,” Tom said after several calm minutes had ticked by. “What we’ll do after the tour is over.” This time Tom took the silence as a cue to continue. “I was thinking about going on holiday, just you and me or something. Do some travelling.”   
  
Whether he meant to or not, Bill replied, “We travel all the time. We’re travelling right now.”   
  
“I know but a different kind of travelling, on our terms.” He shifted, trying to get comfy in the small box he was squashed into with Bill taking up all the room. “We could just lie on a beach for two weeks.”   
  
Bill made a tiny noise that didn’t sound like distaste.   
  
Tom went on. “I was thinking somewhere tropical. Like Australia, or an island somewhere. I still want to see the world with you.” Tom let that sentence hang heavy, knowing Bill would understand it to mean  _why the fuck are you working so hard to push me away?_  
  
They sat in more silence for a few minutes and then Bill rolled over to his back. Tom was ready when Bill’s eyes finally connected with his own.   
  
“Do you think we’ll ever make it to Japan?”   
  
Tom was surprised by the uncertainty in Bill’s voice and he thought back to the night they were dropped by their first label. Bill had crawled into Tom’s bed and snuggled up close, not saying anything until Tom had almost fallen asleep. Then he’d whispered in a tremulous tone, “Do you think we’ll ever be famous?”   
  
Tom had been taken aback; of  _course_  they were going to be famous. Bill had that special star quality people were drawn to and he was pretty sure if Bill was going to be famous, then so would he. Twins came as a package deal after all. He’d told Bill so and shortly after they’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms.   
  
Now, as he watched Bill look down at him through naked lashes, he was struck by both the childlike need for reassurance and the fresh beauty staring up at him.   
  
His throat had gone inexplicably dry and he had to start twice before saying. “Of course.”   
  
The smile was instantaneous and Tom was shocked into returning it, if a little shakily. Aside from last night where physical closeness had made up for lack of emotional closeness, Tom hadn’t felt so  _together_  as he did now in a long time. A small part of their bond was welding itself back in place and Tom hoped to the heavens that Bill could feel it, too.   
  
Bill’s hands were reaching forward, grappling thin air and Tom didn’t need to think twice before accepting the invitation. He surged forward almost desperately and lay down next to his twin.   
  
After adjusting to make room for Tom, Bill curled his arms into his own body, not quite letting Tom in but not pushing him away, either. At least they can share breathing space, a sort of closeness that could always settle Tom during times of stress when they’d climb into each other’s beds and fall asleep to the soft sound of breathing and fingertips touching.   
  
Tom had no idea what had shifted but clearly something had and he was more than happy to snap up Bill’s sudden desire to repair whatever was broken between them. He only hoped it wasn’t a temporary mood swing.   
  
It was cramped in the bunk but they were used to sharing each other’s space and the smile that split Tom’s features was mirrored in Bill’s face.   
  
“If we do make it to Japan,” Bill said softly. “We’ll have to think of a new dream.”   
  
Tom thought about that one, pondering Bill’s musing. “What about conquering another planet?”   
  
Bill snorted. “And how is that going to work?”   
  
“With your hot lyrics and my slamming guitar skills,” Tom poked Bill’s belly and laughed as his twin squirmed away, giggling.   
  
A sudden memory surfaced, hot and sharp and so vivid it made Tom sit up.   
  
 _Laughter filled a hotel corridor as the two of them wound their way down it. Tom’s mind was alcohol-addled and he was finding walking in a straight line impossibly challenging. Luckily, Bill was there to hold him up and sort-of-accidently-on-purpose Tom kept bumping into him. Half way down he poked at Bill’s ribs, laughing when Bill danced out the way.  
  
“You’re pretty. Pretty when I’m drunk,” he said. The words sounded louder than he thought they would in his head. “When’d you get pretty?”   
  
It took a only a split second for him to realise he’d actually said them out loud but it didn’t matter because they made Bill erupt into more giggles. “I’m always pretty.” Bill trilled. Tom had to agree.   
  
Clumsily, Tom reached for Bill’s waist and snagged him as close as he wanted as he said, “I know. I know I know.”   
  
“You fucking know it,” Tom was thrown by Bill’s mega-watt smile and soon found he couldn’t manage to return it. Something inside him was writhing and the only time he’d ever allow it to surface was when he’d been drinking. Tonight he’d been drinking, he reminded himself. Oh, shit.   
  
“Don’t frown. I’m here.”   
  
He felt two fingers trying to smooth away the frown but he couldn’t help it and instead it deepened as he mumbled, “I know,” again. And still, Bill didn’t stop beaming.   
  
Tom thought he looked absolutely radiant.   
  
Two hands were suddenly massaging at his forehead. “Smile for me, Tomi,” Bill said softly in that breathy voice that drove every sane man and woman crazy.   
  
Tom smiled for him and couldn’t help but drop his gaze to his brother’s lips. It was then he noticed the door they had stopped at. A large part of him didn’t want to have arrived yet but all the same, he croaked, “We’re here.”  
  
Bill nodded, “I know.”   
  
Tom’s eyes had zeroed in on Bill’s lips and he couldn’t stop staring hungrily. He was going to kiss Bill. He was going to fucking do it. A quick glance up to Bill told him Bill would readily accept it, wouldn’t be repulsed by the idea and he wouldn’t push Tom away.  
  
A sick jolt shot up inside Tom and he convulsed, twisting away from Bill and tugging on his hotel door until it opened. What was he thinking? What on earth had he been drinking? He’d come so close to obliterating the only thing he cared about in the entire universe.   
  
If they took that final step there was never, ever any going back. _  
  
“Oh my god,” Tom said, passing a hand over his face and feeling bile rise in his throat. “Oh my fucking god.”   
  
Bill looked bewildered and when his soft hand touched Tom’s forearm Tom yanked it free, feeling sick. “Don’t— _shit_.”   
  
Bill opened his mouth, looking upset.   
  
Tom felt bile rise in his throat. “We nearly... shit. We nearly  _kissed_.”   
  
“No, no no no no,” Bill was babbling but the look in his eyes told Tom he was right. He scrambled from the bunk, forgetting he was one higher than he was used to and falling rather heavily to the bus floor.   
  
He only just made it to the bathroom on time.   
  


~~~~

  
  
A thick silence hung in the air. Bill stared at the residual flap of the curtain, not quite sure what just happened but very certain he didn’t want to find out.   
  
He rolled back onto his side and cursed himself as he felt his eyes well and his cheeks dampen. His whole body was thrumming with exhaustion and before long he had collapsed into a fitful sleep leaving the real world to deal with later.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super really long wait, here is chapter three dear readers! Thank you for reading!

Three days passed and Tom was still struggling with the recent recollection. He found it difficult to even look at Bill and he knew that if he didn’t pull his act together people would start asking questions; primarily David and unfortunately, that might bring their mother into it. Sure the twins fought, but downright avoidance for three days straight was a new one. Being two very vocal human beings the most effective way of solving any disputes was shouting matches and the occasional frying pan.   
  
Grimacing, Tom tried not to think about anything at all, which was proving impossible. The bus was claustrophobic and although Bill kept to his bunk more often than not, Tom was always fearful of bumping into his twin. Ridiculous, but frankly, Tom felt it was necessary to see as little as Bill of he could.   
  
There was an awkwardness they’d never experienced and neither could handle it. Breakfast the morning after had been a sordid affair. Being so closely confined at the tiny table booth had been inescapable as David has roused them all together, telling them to be off the bus in twenty minutes for a photo shoot.   
  
So Tom had finally discovered why Bill had been trying so hard to place as much distance as he could handle between them. He remembered. He had remembered that fucking  _almost kiss_.   
  
 _Fuck_.   
  
Tom didn’t want to refer to it as a kiss. They hadn’t done anything. Unfortunately, they both knew exactly what they could have done, and perhaps both wanted.   
  
Tom pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes until he saw splotches.   
  
“Don’t hurt yourself, man,” Georg’s voice entered the media room followed by the bassist himself.   
  
Tom looked up and grunted a greeting.   
  
“You look like shit,” Georg said.   
  
“Thanks,” Tom said dully. He felt like shit.   
  
“Hey, want to play Mario Kart?” Georg waggled a couple of controllers and grinned at Tom.   
  
Tom opened his mouth, about to refuse the offer but then he realised that letting off steam rather than moping around with only his thoughts for company was a probably wise.   
  
“Sure,” he held out his hand for a remote and Georg slapped one into it.   
  
The bassist flopped down beside Tom and started up the game.   
  
Three rounds in and Tom was beginning to enjoy himself. Georg was someone he was completely comfortable around and he was grateful for his company, especially now.   
  
“Ah, shit!” He swore as Georg veered sharply at his vehicle.“You fucker!”   
  
Georg guffawed and punched his arm playfully. “There’s only room for one winner on this bus.”   
  
“Yeah, and it’s not you,” Tom retorted. They raced until Tom finally managed to slow Georg down enough to rush over the finish line ahead of him.   
  
“Ha!” Tom punched the air. “Team Kaulitz always wins.”   
  
Georg grumbled, setting aside his controller and sinking back against the cushions with a satisfied exhale. “Speaking of team Kaulitz, what’s up with you and Bill?”   
  
Tom’s mood clouded over immediately and suddenly he wanted to leave the room. “Nothing, Bill’s just being a bitch.” That ought to cover enough ground. Bill being a bitch was hardly news.   
  
“No, it’s more than that,” Georg said slowly. “You’re being a bitch, too, this time. And the not talking thing is freaking everyone out.”   
  
Startled, Tom turned to look at Georg. “I’m not being a bitch,” he denied.   
  
Georg shrugged, half grinning but Tom knew his friend to be serious. “Look, I know it’s not my business—”   
  
“Then—”  
  
“ _But_ ,” Georg pressed. “You’ve got to sort it out soon, man. Gustav and I have to share this bus as well. It’s not cool having you two icing it out over whatever it is you’re fighting over, probably something weird.”   
  
Tom’s lips pursed and he folded his hands together. It  _was_  something weird, but definitely not in the sense that Georg and Gustav guessed it to be.   
  
“I’ll talk to him.” That was something of a lie. Tom didn’t think he could talk to Bill without that terrible awkwardness smothering him. He’d give it a day or two. “Soon,” he added.   
  
Georg stood. “Good,” and moved to the exit. “You coming out with us tomorrow?”   
  
Tom raised his head, he hadn’t even thought about drowning his sorrows in alcohol but going out suddenly seemed like the best idea in the world.   
  
“Yep,” he said, with a determined nod.   
  
“Good boy,” Georg grinned. “And we’re in a hotel.” Tom laughed as his friend waggled his eyebrows.   
  
Tom heard Georg’s whoop as he flopped along the sofa, thinking of sleeping until they got to the venue.   
  


~~~~

  
  
Bill couldn’t decide whether to go out tonight or not. Gustav had told him they’d coerced Tom into it so that automatically put Bill off the idea, besides the show last night had really taken it out of him. Drinking again sounded like fun though and he missed being able to let loose and have a good time. Everything was so uptight on the bus, Gustav had even come to speak to him about it, trying to urge him into talking to Tom and nearly guilt tripping him into it by saying it was like sharing a bus with two irate zombies.   
  
He knew he and Tom were being unfair to their band mates but he just couldn’t bring himself to make up with his twin. Make up with his twin, it sounded so banal, so simple.   
  
In trying to protect something so precious, Bill had ended up destroying it and he hated himself for it. Tom couldn’t even look at him. That final glance he’d thrown Bill in his bunk before disappearing to the bathroom was gut-wrenching. It told Bill everything that he didn’t want to know; that Tom had remembered and now he thought that his twin was the most despicable human to walk the earth.   
  
“ _We nearly... shit. We nearly kissed_.” Tom’s words rang inside his head.   
  
Bill screwed his eyes shut and tried not to cry. So far he’d managed to hold back the waterworks but he was pretty sure it was only a matter of time. What the fuck was wrong with them? Normal wasn’t a word they played well to by any stretch, but Bill was pretty sure that this was even weird for them.   
  
The worst part was that a niggling bit of Bill’s brain was telling him that they could be even better, that this was just an extension of those weird Kaulitz twins everyone loved, or loved to hate.   
  
Everyone had secrets, right? Some were just bigger than others. Now that Tom knew, Bill’s thoughts had shifted into something much more dangerous than simply trying to oppress his feelings, but he knew Tom would never act on them. Hadn’t he been the one to slam the door in Bill’s face that night? Hadn’t he been the one so repulsed by the very thought of kissing his twin he’d buried the memory right into the darkest recesses of his mind? Tom was clearly the better twin. Even in earlier years Tom was the first to say no to holding hands, sharing beds, hugging. No, Bill would continue with his Queen Bitch act and they’d both try to move on.   
  
He lifted his iPod to his face and thumbed through some of his favourite artists, trying to pick something out. Everything was wrong; his whole world had come crashing down in a matter of minutes and he’d lost Tom forever.   
  
Someone shook the curtain and Bill gulped back a sob. “Yeah?”   
  
To his surprise it was Tom who tugged open the material and peered inside. His features were unreadable and he wouldn’t look at Bill as he said, “Are you coming out tonight?”   
  
Bill was still tired from the previous night’s performance and he blinked, trying to clear his foggy thoughts with Tom standing right there. Deciding he needed a drink he nodded. “Yeah, you?”   
  
Tom caught his eye as he nodded before hurriedly down-casting his gaze again. “And we get a hotel.”   
  
Bill nodded in agreement, wondering why Tom had told him something he already knew. That Tom knew he knew. As the curtain dropped shut again Bill flopped against his blankets, trying not to read into something that wasn’t there. Perhaps Tom was trying to fix them.   
  
Suddenly, he felt angry again. Angry at Tom for making him feel so despondent, angry at people who could have who they wanted , angry at himself for  _wanting_  someone he couldn’t fucking have.   
  
He frowned, throwing his iPod to the end of his bunk and wallowing in his stony mood until they arrived at the hotel.   
  


~~~~

  
  
Everything was swirling; colours and noises and people and the strange girl Bill had sitting next to him. They were all squashed into a booth in the VIP area, empty drinks littering the table as the four of them plus some crew members sat around laughing and trying to impress the several girls they’d attracted by sharing crude stories of tour life.   
  
Like moths to a flame, Bill thought hazily.   
  
Bill was sitting across from Tom, who had his arm cinched around a very beautiful brunette. She had annoyingly large eyes and a pretty pout that didn’t look seedy or forced. In fact, she was stunning and charming, too, funny even. Bill was trying very hard not to like her.   
  
He had to keep reminding himself that this was what  _he_  was doing, too. The distance he’d initially been forcing between he and Tom was widening and wasn’t that what he’d signed up for? He’d turned into a cold, prickly bitch just to save their relationship and with it destroyed, what was there left to do? Continue as if... what exactly? Just... continue, Bill supposed.   
  
He shook his head, trying to clear the fog. The girl next to him kept calling him pretty and he tried to keep on the facade of sheer charm. It was hard when all he could think of was Tom calling him pretty all those weeks ago.   
  
“We’re leaving,” Tom stood, smiling foolishly and trying to explain to the table where he was going while his brunette friend was tugging impatiently on his arm.   
  
Georg whooped and said something Bill didn’t catch but judging by the smirk he left of Tom’s face it had to be some boorish remark.   
  
Half an hour later Bill stood, too. Slightly tipsy and very annoyed with the whole fucking world, he waved off the girls pleading simpers and asked Saki to escort him back to the hotel. His mood was so dark by the time he got to the elevators he practically punched the button for their floor. Ignoring the confused look Saki threw him; Bill folded his arms across his chest and imagined decking the brunette Tom had been with earlier. Stupid bitch.   
  
Then he remembered she was probably doing him a favour and decided to hate Tom instead.   
  
“Thanks,” he muttered to Saki as the elevator doors chimed open. “I can make it from here.”   
  
Saki followed him off the lift but turned left instead of right, heading to bed no doubt. Fleetingly, Bill wondered what their lives looked like to the bodyguard. Saki, who noticed everything, had picked up on nothing strange between the twins. Bill suspected that even if he did see what others hadn’t yet, he’d keep it on the down low.   
  
He huffed, then stomped his way to his own room, fumbling slightly with the key card before swiping it successfully.   
  
His eyes nearly popped from his head and his stomach immediately wanted to chuck up everything he’d drank that night.   
  
He choked on his own gasp, watching as Tom plunged into the girl sprawled out on his bed, both of them moaning and panting.   
  
“What the  _fuck_?!” He managed, his voice barely a croak.   
  
The girl had the decency to try and stop, covering her breasts and hissing, “What’s he doing here?”   
  
Tom turned his head to look at Bill, their eyes locking for a terrible moment. All Bill could feel was utter betrayal but he knew that was so fucking wrong. Wasn’t he happy? Didn’t he  _not_  want to be Tom’s in every way possible?   
  
That void he’d been working to heft between them suddenly seemed miles wide. His vision tunnelled and he was struggling to suck in air. Had he done this? Had he pushed Tom so far away there was no going back? If this was what it was going to be like from now on, he didn’t want it.   
  
He gasped, placing on hand over his chest and pressing in hard. What even  _was_  this? Tom wasn’t betraying Bill, he was doing what was normal, what anyone would expect. What  _Bill_  should expect.   
  
All the anger Bill had been channelling changed course and he felt sick at himself. Was he so fucking  _wrong_  that he would never be able to stand seeing his brother with someone else?   
  
He turned on his heels and made it into Tom’s room with the spare key card David always gave them. It was quiet and he took a moment to calm himself down. Sitting down on the edge of the bed he dropped his head between his legs and sucked in steadying breaths, the world pulsing behind his lids.   
  
It was easier before, when Tom didn’t remember. He thought back to the lost look in Tom’s eyes when Bill would brush him off, to the way he’d question Bill’s behaviour concernedly and how it was so easy to just be angry at his twin all the time despite Tom’s hopeless confusion.   
  
He’d felt bad at the time but it was nothing to how he felt now. That gaping space between them was there for entirely new reasons and Bill was certain it would never be closed again.   
  
A light knock on the door startled him. Holding his breath he hoped whoever was on the other side would take the massive fucking silence as cue to go away.   
  
Of course, Tom was never good at taking hints. Or, he was simply more prone to ignore them.   
  
“Hey,” Bill felt the bed dip where Tom sat down beside him.   
  
“Fuck off,” Bill said. He looked up from his curled over position but stared blankly at the wall, refusing to look at his brother.   
  
“Bill—”  
  
“We do  _not_  need to fucking talk,” Bill gritted out.   
  
A gentle hand rubbed over his back and he jumped up, away from his brother’s touch. He stood a good few feet away, noticing that Tom was dressed in only his boxers. He scowled. There, being angry was always easiest. He was so damn practised after all.   
  
“I’m going to make you talk,” Tom said, his words slurring slightly from the alcohol. “You’ve got to one day.”   
  
“One day,” Bill repeated, spitting the words out. “Tom, there isn’t a one day.”   
  
“There is,” Tom said. “There’s every day.”   
  
Bill stalked over to the other side of the room, folding his arms and regarding his drunk twin. Maybe he could take advantage of this, talk it out while Tom would remember only blurrily the next day, then perhaps Tom would lay off and they’d be able to get on with their lives in peace.   
  
Frowning, Bill realised how final that sounded, how separate.   
  
Tom was still sitting on the end of the bed. “Can’t you remember the future, Bill?”   
  
Bill knew what Tom was talking about. They were going to spend the rest of their lives together. Only, not any more it seemed.   
  
“I don’t want a future anymore,” he said. Not looking at Tom.   
  
“You don’t mean that.”   
  
“I do,” Bill said firmly.   
  
“Can’t you just... listen to me,” Tom frowned. “You never asked  _me_  about any of this... this,” he gestured wildly. “You worked so hard to push me away and now we’re broken.”   
  
“We’re not broken, Tom,” Bill said angrily. “We need to move away and grow up. We’re two different people.”   
  
“We didn’t use to be,” Tom said.   
  
“Well we fucking are now!” Bill shouted, throwing his arms in the air.   
  
“What if I don’t want to be?” Tom returned, even louder. His voice dropped again with his next sentence. “It’s so fucking  _hard_  and I can’t do anything... I can’t do anything without you.”   
  
Bill hardened himself, trying to ignore how defeated Tom kept sounding. “This is wrong. You remember what happened, right?”   
  
Tom nodded and Bill looked away when he tried to connect their eyes. “You remembered, too. You’ve known for ages.”   
  
Bill nodded. “God,” he said quietly. “You must think I’m fucking disgusting.”   
  
“Disgusting?” Tom looked confused. “No, Bill, I want—” He stopped himself mid sentence and shook his head. “You should have said something.”   
  
This startled Bill. “How could I? You’d think I was sick. You’d hate me.”   
  
Tom was still shaking his head. “No, you don’t get it. I thought you knew I could never hate you.”   
  
Bill opened his mouth, then closed it. He tried again, “I could never hate you, either.”   
  
He watched as Tom shook his head, looking at the ground between his feet. “This is wrong.” He repeated Bill’s earlier sentiment.   
  
“I know,” Bill agreed. Hoping Tom wasn’t sobering up. “Where’s your friend?”   
  
“Don’t,” Tom pulled a face. “She’s gone.”   
  
Bill couldn’t help the derogatory snort escaping and tried not to feel guilty as Tom ducked his head, ashamed.   
  
“Why the fuck were you in my room anyway?” he wanted to know. Shifting from foot to foot and realising the conversation was moving into fresh territory.   
  
Tom shrugged, his shoulders hunched. He mumbled something Bill didn’t catch.   
  
“What?”   
  
“I said, I wanted it to feel more like you.”   
  
“Jesus,” Bill couldn’t believe it. He felt sick again and tried to quell his roiling insides. “That’s sick, you know.” He definitely liked it better when Tom was in the dark, he knew how to act, how to handle everything. Now he was floundering about in unchartered lands. Perhaps he should be thankful they were in this together now but he couldn’t help but feel it was ten times worse. They didn’t know how to act around each other.   
  
Without warning, his mind flitted back to those countless times he’d wanted so  _badly_  to be close to Tom and alcohol was the next best thing. Tom would tuck him into bed and sometimes... sometimes it would be Tom’s bed.   
  
Maybe Tom was sick, but so was he.   
  
“I know.” Tom looked up at him and at last their eyes locked. Bill found himself unable to look away. “Bill?”   
  
“What?”   
  
“I know you would have kissed me back that night.”   
  
“I know,” Bill said, unsure how else to respond. He’d seen it in Tom’s eyes as the door had been shut in his face. “I can’t believe you remember.”   
  
Tom grimaced. “Yeah, well, I can’t believe I forgot. I wondered why you turned into such an alcoholic diva.”   
  
“Easy to see why now, huh?” Bill said dejectedly.   
  
“Mm,” Tom agreed. Bill could hear his twin’s voice steadying out, perhaps the high emotions had brought him closer to sobriety. Perhaps he hadn’t been that drunk in the first place.   
  
“Come sit,” Tom patted the bedspread but Bill grimaced, shaking his head. “Come on,” Tom wheedled. “Can’t we try and work this out now that we’re on the same page?”   
  
“No,” Bill said flatly. “How the fuck are we going to manage that?”   
  
“Well at least we’re talking,” Tom muttered and Bill could definitely tell Tom was sobering now. His twin shifted up the bed until he was leaning against the headboard.   
  
Bill gave a noncommittal shrug and instead moved closer to the curtains on the other side of the room.   
  
“For fucks sake, Bill,” the anger in Tom’s voice was enough to make Bill jump. Wasn’t he the angry one? Tom always seemed to deal with issues a whole lot less dramatically, even if they both knew how to shout it out. “Just come over here.”   
  
“Why?”   
  
Tom sighed, running his hands through his hair in that involuntary stressed gesture. “Because I miss you, okay?”   
  
Bill found no room to argue with that one. Honestly, he missed his twin more than anything, too. In that one second he took to decide he felt the weight of the world crash around him and he nearly whimpered as he moved across the carpet towards his twin.  
  
At first he crawled to the opposite side but Tom was quick and wrapped him up in a loose hug.   
  
This was weird, right? Bill wasn’t supposed to be lying, wrapped in his twin’s arms – his practically naked twin’s arms – and enjoy it. But he was. It didn’t  _feel_  weird, it felt warm and safe and finally he could feel himself relax...  
  
“Fuck fuck fuck,” he panicked, trying to tug away but Tom’s clutch held him close. For a moment he struggled, swearing Tom out and feeling that irrational anger bubble away inside him.   
  
“Cam the fuck down,” Tom said exasperatedly.   
  
Bill swore again and then calmed. They used to do this all the time; they’d creep into each other’s bunks at night, curl up together until sleep settled over them both. They’d talk about anything and everything and promise the world to each other. Where was that now?   
  
“How are you feeling?”   
  
“Huh?” Bill tilted his head to look at his twin.   
  
“Are you feeling okay?” Tom tried again.   
  
“Um, yeah,” Bill said, not entirely sure what Tom was asking. He wasn’t the one recovering from drinking through the night. “I didn’t drink that much.”   
  
Tom snorted, “I didn’t mean like that.” Bill felt Tom’s arm squeeze momentarily around his shoulders and he ignored how much he liked the touch of Tom’s bare skin against his.   
  
“Oh,” Bill said, feeling foolish. “Um, I don’t know. Okay, I guess. Can we not talk about it?”   
  
“We kind of did tonight,” Tom said quietly. “And I’ve got more to say, just so you know.”   
  
Bill remained silent. He knew they would talk about this more; it wasn’t something they could brush under the rug now that it was the world’s biggest elephant in the room. But sitting together on a bed was surely a step in the right direction, whatever the right direction was.   
  
Slowly, he began to relax every limb. His head came to rest against Tom’s shoulder and the soft puffs of breath over his hair felt nice. Occasionally Tom’s thumb would brush over his shoulder, sometimes rubbing up and down his upper arm. He knew he’d have to kick Tom out soon, given how comfortable he was beginning to feel. Then he remembered this was Tom’s room so maybe he should be the one to extricate himself.   
  
It felt so nice though, being held by his twin after so long with barely even a touch.   
  
Tom whispered something into his hair but Bill didn’t hear it, instead falling into sleep and not waking until much later the next day.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally forgot I was posting this story here as well as THF! Apologies, here is chapter 4 :)

Tom blinked, trying to work out where he was. This was the second time in a week he’d woken with a warm body pressed against his own. This time he  _could_  recall pulling, a gorgeous brunette with dark eyes and a sense of humour that seemed to be a rarity among the girls he picked up.   
  
Looking down, he expected to see her olive skin resting on his chest. Instead he was startled to see Bill again, his pale features lit up by the sun streaming through the curtains they hadn’t pulled shut.   
  
Their argument (could it be called that?) from last night came flooding back in odd, jumbled pieces. That must have been the alcohol he’d managed to knock back before being dragged back to... Bill’s hotel room.   
  
Oh my god, what had he been thinking? What the  _fuck_  had he been thinking?!   
  
What must  _Bill_  be thinking?   
  
Trying not to panic, he slipped out from Bill’s unconscious hold and stumbled to the door. Quickly, quietly, he opened it and made his way across the hall back to Bill’s room.   
  
He felt strange, stepping inside and seeing nothing but messed sheets, his strewn clothes from last night and Bill’s luggage. Ignoring the bedroom he headed straight for the shower, stripping his boxers and stepping beneath the spray.   
  
Immediately his body unravelled, tension running away with the water that swirled into the drain. He couldn’t quite place how he was feeling. A huge part of him was relieved they’d both taken the time to acknowledge what was clearly going on between them. Another huge part was somewhat repulsed, yet somewhat elated. How were they supposed to deal with something this huge?   
  
“Fuckin’ hell,” he breathed out, soaping himself up and lamenting the fact he hadn’t thought to keep his dreads out of the spray.   
  
The shower gave him time to piece together last night, namely returning to the hotel with the girl – Natasha, Natalia? – and then Bill coming in, looking horrified, Tom asking the girl to leave before heading into his own room to find Bill, head between his knees.   
  
Then they’d talked. Which Tom decided he was definitely glad about. The feelings he’d obviously worked incredibly hard to keep locked away had finally come rushing right to the surface to meet Bill’s similar ones and now they were left, baring all and supposedly about to sort them out together.   
  
Together. Fuck, if Bill woke up alone what the hell was he going to think? Tom towelled himself dry, shoved on his clothes from last night and walked to the door. But when he placed a hand over the handle he found he couldn’t open it.   
  
This big revelation of theirs was something he wasn’t entirely sure he was equipped to deal with it.   
  
“Shit.”   
  
If he was terrified of losing Bill before, it was nothing to how he felt now. He remembered that awful feeling of being about to lose everything on the night of their almost kiss. That same feeling was what had prevented him then, and was preventing him now.   
  
He tensed, steeling himself. He and Bill needed to do this. Just as he was about to grip the door handle to twist it open, it opened and Bill shuffled in, looking upset. He faltered when he noticed Tom but then visibly hardened, shouldering past him without meeting his eye.   
  
“Bill—”  
  
“Fuck off.”   
  
 _Great_ , he’d blown it, and this time it was big. This time he knew he was toying with Bill’s heart. How on earth could he sort through this mess when he was having a hard time sorting out his own muddled emotions?   
  
He sucked in a breath, turning back into the room to see Bill knelt on the floor throwing his clothes around rather ferociously in search of something to wear.   
  
“Bill, don’t do this,” he tried.   
  
“Don’t do what, Tom? Ignore our current situation? Run away from it? Because honestly, I thought that was your strategy, not mine.”   
  
“Don’t use that against me, I’m not the one who’s been trying so hard to pull us apart.”   
  
“I haven’t been pulling us apart.” Bill continued to pillage his own suitcase, now moving onto a second. “ I’ve been trying to prevent  _this_  from happening.”   
  
“And what exactly is happening, Bill?” Tom was struggling to stop his anger reach his words but it was tricky. “This  _thing_ , whatever it is, is so fucked up we can’t even talk about.”   
  
“I don’t want to talk about it!” Bill bellowed, finally turning round to face Tom. His eyes were hard and Tom knew as soon as he left the room Bill would cry.   
  
His heart gave a strong, aching pang and he realised he  _really_  didn’t want that to happen.   
  
“We have got to talk about this, it’s the biggest fucking elephant in the room! We can’t ignore something this huge!”   
  
“We talked about it last night, and I think this morning pretty much covers it.” Bill turned away again, throwing a pair of boots angrily across the room.   
  
They landed with a dull  _clunk_  and Tom sighed, exasperated, angry, wanting to make things better.   
  
“I was just about to come back to you, you know,” he said, trying very hard to keep his voice from rising.   
  
Bill stopped for a moment and Tom knew he’d caught him out.   
  
“I don’t care,” Bill said. “This is fucked up,  _we’re_  fucked up and I just... I just... fuck.” Tom watched as his shoulders sagged. “I just want to go back to normal.”   
  
Tom gave a short laugh, “Bill, what’s normal for us anymore?”   
  
Speaking very quietly, and very carefully, Bill said, “Making fun of Georg, sharing gummy bears in your bunk, talking about our future. You know, stuff like that. I don’t like this...this... its  _awkward_.” Bill whispered the last word.   
  
Tom could feel his heart breaking for Bill. He wanted that too, only now he wanted so much more. And fuck if he was going to spend the rest of his life feeling awkward around Bill. That was a definite no-go zone.   
  
“We can still do all that,” he said. “Only... maybe...” could he bring himself to say it?   
  
“More?” Bill whispered.   
  
He’d twisted round again to look at Tom and Tom nodded, looking straight into Bill’s eyes. “More,” he uttered the word even more quietly than Bill.   
  
The moment hung between them and neither made any move to break it. Bill was blinking huge eyes at Tom and Tom was standing motionless, hands in his pockets.   
  
“What does this mean?” Bill said softly, his hands twisted into an old tee Tom recognised as his own.   
  
Tom’s voice stuck in his throat as he tried to articulate what it meant. What  _did_  it mean? What had their relationship suddenly become?   
  
He realised with a start that this was like a morning after. Nothing had happened yet here they were, fighting about something they never did. He’d freaked out, Bill had been upset, they’d fought and now they were working towards making up.   
  
Wasn’t this just like every other argument between them? Only with slightly – very – different motives.   
  
He watched as Bill looked up at him, eyes as wide as saucers and behind them Tom could see every thread of his twin’s vulnerability. He wanted to make it disappear, hating himself for being the cause of it.   
  
“I... I’m not sure,” he began slowly. Before he could finish Bill’s features had slipped into an unreadable mask and he’d turned back to the overflowing suitcase. Tom reached behind his neck with a palm and rubbed it. He was about to take one big step and he hoped it was in the right direction.   
  
He moved forward until he crouched, kneeling right beside Bill. “Can’t we try and work it out together?”   
  
Bill looked at him sideways, his loose hair flopping in front of his eyes slightly.   
  
They searched the other’s gaze for several moments and Tom knew Bill was looking for signs of false promises. Carefully, he placed his hand to Bill’s cheek and tried lifting the corners of his mouth in a smile. It didn’t quite work and he ended up giving a shaky sort of grimace.   
  
Bill’s eyes were still wide, very uncertain. Knowing he had to do something to bridge the broken bond, Tom leant forward, slowly, gently, so as not to scare his younger brother.   
  
He kept his eyes open until the last possible second and when he felt the soft brush of Bill’s lips against his own he slipped them shut, pulling Bill gently closer with the palm he still had rested on his cheek.   
  
The tremble of his twin’s lips against his own was an entirely alien feeling, but not unwelcome. He pressed them together for a few more seconds, then broke the kiss.   
  
“Oh.” Unbidden or not, the sigh that escaped Bill’s slightly parted lips made Tom’s insides flutter.   
  
He remained close, not quite ready to move back into his own breathing space.   
  
“Oh my god,” the next words that left Bill’s mouth were less welcome.   
  
“Don’t freak out,” Tom said quickly, not letting his hand slip from Bill’s cheek. “Don’t. Bill—”  
  
Bill gave a tiny shake of his head, his fluffed up hair swishing around his face. “I can’t—”  
  
This time, Tom’s eyes had widened. “No, don’t go back on anything, don’t take this away now.”   
  
Bill was shaking his head harder now, pulling away from Tom. “That was... oh my god.”   
  
Tom watched dumbly as Bill stood, brushing imaginary lint from his jeans and disappeared into the bathroom. Several minutes later, Tom let himself out the room and made his way back to his own room, collapsing into the bed and nearly crying when he smelt Bill all around him.   
  


~~~~

  
  
Bill looked into the mirror, his vision somewhat fuzzy. He held out his hands, trying to make them lay steady but they were shaking too much.   
  
“Fuck you,” he told his reflection acidly.   
  
After giving Tom shit for running out the morning after he was back to battling with his own inner turmoil. The immorality of this was almost enough to make him not want it. But now everything was in the open, weren’t they trying to fix things? Wasn’t this a step toward what they both wanted?   
  
And fuck, did Bill want it. One kiss was enough to make his belly flip-flop and his heart stutter against his ribcage. The stirrings of lust made Bill blush, despite being alone now.   
  
He’d have to tread carefully, for both their sakes. It was tricky trying to rein in his own emotions, let alone listen to what Tom was telling him.   
  
Bill sighed, hoping he hadn’t trampled on Tom’s ego too much before stepping under the shower and immersing himself in a steamy world.   
  


~~~~

  
  
There was a different kind of awkwardness on the bus now. Bill and Tom were trying to maintain a healthy level of interaction for their band mates’ sake but it was heavy going, conversations were not fluid and it was clear Georg and Gustav had noticed were trying to ignore it.   
  
They’d spent one more night at the hotel, put on a spectacular show and now they had been on the road for two more days.   
  
That totalled three days since Tom had kissed Bill and Bill was caught between wanting more, and wanting to avoid his twin. It was clear this time he’d fucked things up and he guessed it was now down to him to fix it. After all this running, it seemed a strange notion to take steps along a different path.   
  
However, all his anger at the world and their unsolvable situation had morphed into some sort of need for his brother and it was difficult to ignore the  _go get it_  nag at the forefront of his brain.   
  
Earlier in the evening Gustav had tried roping him into a round of Mario Kart but he’d never much liked the game and had handed the matter over to Georg, who of course was only too happy to kick the drummer’s ass. Bill knew he’d only been first choice because everyone could beat him, even Gustav.   
  
Now the bus was silent, everyone having gone to bed except him. Georg’s uncharacteristically soft snores and the steady roll of wheels on tarmac were keeping Bill company and he was glad for the lull. The two days on the road had been filled with countless pit stops that each held an interview here, a quick signing session there, just say hello to these fans for five minutes or smile for the nice broadcaster.   
  
Bill sighed, flopping onto the small table they ate at. It was pushing three in the morning and he knew if he was to be functioning for tomorrow’s show he’d have to crawl into bed at some point.   
  
Slowly, he picked himself up and made his way to the bunks. He paused; about to climb into his own when he reached down to pull back the curtain of Tom’s instead.   
  
His brother was soundly asleep, his chest rising and falling gently. Bill took a moment to drink up his twin’s beauty. It wasn’t that Tom was pretty, Bill knew  _he_  was what people called pretty, it was that he had such an amiable face, he was gorgeous in a very different way, a way that charmed people even with crude language and a dirty mouth. Bill knew himself to be included into that particular pool of people and silently admitting that made his insides squirm.   
  
Lifting the corners of his lips in a small smile, Bill decided it was about time he patched up his poor twin’s ego. Tom was right, he  _had_  been running, and now this was out in the open, running wasn’t an option. However much that frightened him... well he’d just have to get over it.   
  
Stealthily he clambered into the small space with his twin, peeling back the covers and settling down beside him. Tom grunted as Bill accidentally kneed his groin.   
  
“Uh... what?” Tom blinked blearily and started as Bill’s face came into focus. “Bill.”   
  
Bill nodded, suddenly feeling scared. It took a moment to realise why; this time the ball was entirely in his court and  _he_  was about to make the next move. This was his turn to set things right, or at least set the wheels in motion in terms of mending their drastically changing relationship.   
  
“Sorry,” he whispered.   
  
“What?” Tom opened his eyes wider, bringing himself closer to full consciousness.   
  
“Sorry for... that thing,” Bill pursed his lips then said in a rush. “The kiss.”   
  
Tom blinked again and frowned, “You’re sorry for the kiss?”   
  
Bill nodded, his cheek scritching the pillow.   
  
“Oh. Okay,” Tom said and shut his eyes again.   
  
This time, it was Bills turn to frown. “Are you going to sleep?”   
  
“Yes. And so should you.”   
  
“Can I sleep here?”   
  
“Bill,” Tom opened his eyes again. “I’m tired of playing games. Quit it. If you don’t want this then don’t crawl into my bed at three in the morning.”   
  
There had clearly been an error in communication for Bill wasn’t sure what Tom was talking about. “I’m not playing any games,” he said, trying not to sound too pouty.   
  
“Then why are you here?” Tom responded. “You can’t run away and then run back expecting things to be good again. We haven’t been good in a long time.”   
  
That really hurt Bill and he tried not to flare up in anger. “I thought we were pretty good at the hotel,” he said.   
  
Tom opened his eyes again. “What?”   
  
“I thought we were good,” Bill said again. “I thought—”  
  
“You  _just_  said you didn’t like the kiss.”   
  
“I never said that you moron,” Bill was struggling to keep his voice to a whisper. “I just apologised. I know it was a shitty move to run off like that. It was weird, I felt... weird.”   
  
“It was bad?” Tom asked.   
  
A bit of ego stroking was clearly in order. Bill shook his head. “I liked it.”   
  
“Oh... okay then,” Tom said slowly.   
  
Bill was certain the next move was up to him. Slowly, he leant forward and dropped a tiny kiss to Tom’s lips before pulling away again quickly.   
  
Tom made an odd sound in the back of his throat and closed the distance between them again. Tom taking charge was somehow much more preferable and Bill sighed, barely daring to move as one of Tom’s hands crept up to cup his cheek, much like that very first kiss.   
  
“Why did you run away?” Tom asked when they broke apart again.   
  
Bill’s mind was foggy and he swiped his tongue out to taste Tom on his lips. “What? Oh.” He paused to think about it himself. “It was weird...”   
  
“You said that,” Tom said dryly, but he was starting to smile.   
  
“I liked it... too much I think.”   
  
“If we’re doing this,” Tom said slowly. “There can’t be a ‘too much’.”   
  
It took a moment for those words to find meaning with Bill but when they did, he nodded, at last allowing himself to reach forward and press his palm to Tom’s chest. All those wasted months of drinking himself to oblivion, running in the opposite direction and putting every ounce of his energy into forgetting his feelings and that  _almost kiss_... he shook his head, wanting only  _now_. And right now Tom was stroking his thumb over Bill’s cheek and saying something.  
  
“Sorry, what?”   
  
Tom chuckled, the sound rumbling from his chest and said again. “Don’t you think this is much better than running?”   
  
Bill nodded, smiling, too. “Yeah. We can eat gummy bears and talk about the future.”   
  
Tom suddenly surged forward, catching Bill off guard with a kiss. “God, I fucking missed you.”   
  
“I wasn’t gone for long,” Bill said quietly, his own hand fisting at Tom’s over-sized t-shirt.   
  
“It seemed like forever. I didn’t like the not talking thing,” Tom frowned and Bill felt horrifically awful for trying so damn hard to distance himself from Tom. They both needed each other and no amount of strange feelings and weird closeness was going to separate them.   
  
This was just one of those really big secrets.   
  
“We can’t tell anyone,” Bill said urgently, wanting to make perfectly clear this was just for the two of them.   
  
“Who the fuck am I going to tell? Mum? David?” Tom laughed.   
  
“Don’t,” Bill groaned. “Oh god, seriously, don’t.”   
  
Tom chuckled. “Sorry.” He pinched Bill’s hip.   
  
Bill squeaked, wriggling beneath the covers and pulling Tom’s arm over him. As he was drifting to sleep he felt Tom’s lips press to his forehead and tried not to frown, wondering if this would be the start of something really fucking good, or the end of their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me!


	5. Chapter 5

“Morning,” Tom said as he sauntered into the kitchenette to find Georg and Gustav engrossed in a porn video.   
  
“Someone’s changed their tune,” Gustav noted, raising an eyebrow.   
  
“Did you sort things out with Bill?” Georg said. “You guys were acting even weirder this week.”   
  
Tom threw him a look and said, “Yep.”   
  
Last night was a definite milestone in their radically shifting relationship. In a way things were happening so quickly. But then, if they hadn’t been such blind morons perhaps they’d have seen what was now happening a mile off, then they could have avoided the dramatics. Tom smirked, Bill played up the diva act so well.   
  
“Are you coming out with us tonight?”   
  
“Again? Didn’t we just go out?”   
  
“Dude, that was like three cities ago.” Georg rolled his eyes. “But if you’re not up for it...”   
  
Tom glared at his friend. “Of course I’m fucking up for it.”   
  
Gustav made to stand, pushing away his laptop. “But first we have that interview with RTL and a show to do.”   
  
Tom groaned. “Are you kidding me? Do we have to?”   
  
“Have to what?”   
  
Bill had appeared behind Tom and slipped past him, making a beeline for the coffee machine. Tom noted the brush of bare skin with a blush.   
  
“RTL,” Gustav filled him in.   
  
“Oh, shit,” Bill looked momentarily despondent but then perked up. “At least we have a photo shoot afterwards.”   
  
It was no secret Bill liked to preen for the cameras but Tom was hoping they’d get the chance to spend some quality time together before the night’s show and clearly Bill was not thinking along the same lines. Now that he’d promised Georg and Gustav he would hit the clubs with them, he couldn’t foresee much alone time with his twin. They still had an awful lot to talk about.   
  
Although they were no longer stewing in their respective forms of denial, there were still plenty of things that had gone unsaid and this was not a matter to be handled lightly. Bill’s usual airy-fairy manner seemed to have crept up on him again and although he no longer went around like a princess stuck in a pig-sty, Tom knew Bill would still be reluctant to talk things through sufficiently.   
  
“So you made up then,” Geog said to Bill, nodding between the twins.   
  
Bill looked over a shoulder. “We were never fighting.”   
  
The look he cast Georg was so convincingly innocent it could almost fool anyone but Gustav snorted. “Sure. Thanks for dragging us through your little hell with you.”   
  
“We weren’t that bad,” Bill was grinning, because of course he knew they had been. Kaulitz arguments were never kept on the down low, despite the reasons behind them remaining hidden forever.   
  
Tom rolled his eyes. “Don’t be a bitch, Bill. Sorry, Gustav,” he added to his friend.   
  
“Fuck you,” Bill said to Tom but there was no venom behind his words.   
  
For the rest of the morning Tom happily watched his twin potter around in a very tiny tee and a pair of old track-pants he’d never catch any camera filming. Together they made enough coffee to fill a whole football team and at some point Bill turfed out his bag of gummy bears, dipping each one into the black substance.   
  
“You’re gross, you know that.” Tom wrinkled his nose at Bill’s invention.   
  
Bill stuck out his tongue. “Not as gross as you.”   
  
Tom had to beg to differ, but he did so silently.   
  
The day passed quickly enough. Thankfully, the RTL interview wasn’t filled with the usual swill and instead they’d been asked some rather inventive questions – including one about Georg’s culinary skills. Tom thought back to every night he’d gone to sleep lulled by Georg crashing drunkenly around the kitchen.   
  
It was pushing eleven in the evening before they had a moment to sit down. They’d convened in the Green room and were about to welcome a hoard of fan girls for a post-concert meet and greet. This was usually one of Tom’s favourite parts of being a rock star but now all he could think about was Bill.   
  
He hadn’t forgotten the need to talk things through properly but at some point during the concert, watching his brother bounce around on stage had gone from amusing to a turn on.   
  
Beautiful, Tom could handle. Sexy, Tom was way out of his depth.   
  
And Bill was decidedly sexier than he had been twenty-four hours ago.   
  
Perhaps a gaggle of girls was what Tom needed for a brief respite.   
  
“Tom,” Bill had stepped up close.   
  
“Oh, hey,” Tom said distractedly.   
  
“Everything okay?”   
  
Bill was giving him an odd look.   
  
“Yeah,” Tom frowned. “I was just thinking about something.”   
  
“Save thinking for later,” said Bill. “We’ve got to sign a few tits first.”   
  
Tom snorted. “And that’s okay with you?”   
  
He watched Bill’s eyes flick nervously over the occupants of the room. “Shut up. Why wouldn’t it be?”   
  
“Because you’re a jealous bitch under the best of circumstances,” Tom laughed. “Besides, now that things have...  _changed_ , I just thought I’d ask.”   
  
“I’m not going to keep you on a leash, Tom.”   
  
“Right,” Tom said. “We still need to talk—”  
  
“And we fucking will,” Bill hissed. “Now shut up. I told you we’ve got to keep this quiet.”   
  
“No one’s listening,” Tom shrugged.   
  
“Listening to what?”   
  
Gustav had emerged silently from absolutely nowhere making Tom and Bill jump.   
  
“Shit,” Tom swore. “Gustav, don’t  _do_  that.”   
  
“Sorry,” the drummer said. “What isn’t anyone listening to?”   
  
“Well apparently  _you’re_  listening,” Tom grumbled, feeling caught out.   
  
Gustav shrugged and didn’t press the matter. Gustav had a lot of tact and now more than ever, Tom was grateful for it.   
  
He turned to see Bill gone and sighed, patting his pockets to check he had enough Sharpies to last the next hour or so.   
  


~~~~

  
  
Bill kept shooting his twin furtive looks out the corner of his eye. He couldn’t help it; he knew he was being the jealous bitch Tom had so kindly dubbed him but it made him feel better to catch Tom doing the same thing several times.   
  
He would definitely make sure to call his brother out on it later.   
  
Later. Bill couldn’t stop thinking about later. He knew Tom would try and push the matter of talking about things but Bill was planning to push another matter. Talking about this would only complicate things in Bill’s eyes. He was trying not to even think about it, if they just took the plunge then things would just... smooth themselves out or something.   
  
They had a hotel that night and thank fuck they did because Bill’s plans involved a lot more kisses and a lot less talking. If they talked, he might freak out, his entire system of emotions was running precariously close to the edge  
  
He heard Tom laughing and threw him a sidelong glance.   
  
Some blonde was standing too close and in the space of about three seconds had managed to flip her hair twice as many times. He scowled, hating her.   
  
Huh, maybe he really  _was_  a jealous bitch.   
  
“And you know, I only live round the corner,” he heard the girl say.   
  
Normally Tom would give her his  _I’m going to make you scream in a good way_  look and perhaps touch her one too many times than was necessary but tonight, Bill was intrigued to see, Tom laughed, moving one step away and claiming security wouldn’t be too happy about that.   
  
The girl looked irked and Bill grinned widely. “Thank you, have a great night!” he practically sang to the young girl he had been talking to before sighing her photo of the band with gusto.   
  
Unfortunately his mood went downhill from there. Maybe it was because now he felt he had some sort of claim over his twin, or maybe it was because there seemed to be an unrelenting flow of gorgeous, desperate or half-naked girls giving Tom ‘fuck me’ eyes.   
  
Tom kept laughing and touching the bill of his cap, licking his lip ring and saying one or two naughty things.   
  
“What?” He snapped. Someone had tapped him twice on the shoulder.   
  
Saki’s voice came from behind him. “We’re clearing out.”   
  
Bill bit his tongue and tried not to look too thrilled at the prospect.   
  
“Tom,” he called in a clipped tone.   
  
Tom turned to look at him and then turned back to the busty fan standing before him.   
  
Scoffing, Bill stalked from the room, trying not to think too hard about what David would say about his hissy fit.   
  
There was really no reason for Bill’s reaction to Tom just doing what he was supposed to. He put it down to fatigue and supposed he would have to stop overreacting. Right now though, he was content to wallow in his contempt.   
  
They made it back to the hotel room, Georg, Gustav and Tom having taken a separate car behind them. Bill knew he’d have a few minutes to sulk alone before Tom would let himself in so he flopped onto his belly, feeling sorry for himself and irrationally pissed at the whole world, especially Tom.   
  
The door clicked open and then shut and he felt the bed dip to his right but Bill remained with his head buried in a pillow.   
  
“Sorry about earlier,” Tom said. Then added, “drama queen.”   
  
“That doesn’t sound like a real apology,” Bill said, his words garbled into the pillow.   
  
Tom laughed. “What the fuck have I got to apologise for, really?”   
  
Honestly, Bill had no answer to that.   
  
“You did nothing to disprove the jealous bitch thing tonight, you know,” Tom said.   
  
Bill felt a hand begin to stroke up and down his back and although it pissed him off, it was actually kind of nice so he refrained from rolling away.   
  
“I saw you looking at me,” Tom went on.   
  
Bill squawked. “I saw  _you_  looking.”   
  
Tom didn’t say anything.   
  
“Ha, jealous bitch.”   
  
No rebuttal came forth and Bill was about to claim victory when Tom said, “At least I won’t get shit from David for my performance at the meet and greet.”   
  
Bill groaned into the pillow. “Shit.”   
  
“Yep,” Tom sounded entirely too pleased about it.   
  
“It was weird,” Bill admitted, finally tilting his head so his cheek was resting against the pillow. “I didn’t really know how to act.”   
  
“Act like normal,” Tom said. “It’s not like anything’s changed.”   
  
“What?” Bill was astounded. “Our whole fucking  _world_  has just changed!”   
  
“Yeah but nobody else knows that.” Tom’s hand continued making steady work of smoothing out the kinks in Bill’s back.   
  
“Yeah,” Bill agreed flatly. “I kind of preferred being angry at everything.”   
  
“Don’t say that,” Tom said.   
  
“It’s true though,” Bill said despondently. “At least I knew what I was doing. Now I feel strange. It’s like...” he wasn’t really sure how to articulate his feelings. After all, he had never shared them with anyone but himself and even then he’d tried to keep them buried as deep as possible. “It’s like... I suddenly want you all to myself.”   
  
Tom chuckled loftily. “I thought you weren’t going to keep me on a leash.”  
  
“Ugh,” Bill wrinkled his nose. “That’s it, I’m not saying anything else.”   
  
“Nooo, come on Bill,” Tom wheedled, his hand now working its way beneath the fabric of his tee.   
  
Bill shook his head, pushing his face back into the pillow.   
  
“Come on, I’m sorry,” Tom said. “Talk to me, Bill.”   
  
They remained quiet for long minutes, Tom’s hand rubbing the smooth skin of Bill’s back, sending him into a sleepy stupor. It was so nice that Bill hadn’t even thought about how easily they were slipping into their new roles.   
  
He rolled onto his back, dislodging Tom’s hand in the process.   
  
Tom removed it, looking at Bill inquiringly.   
  
“No, don’t stop,” Bill requested. He took his twin’s hand in his own and guided it to his belly.   
  
Tom didn’t hesitate, immediately dipping his hand under the tee and stroking gently.   
  
“How are we going to do this?” Bill whispered. “It’s already really hard.”   
  
Tom nodded. “At least we’re doing this together now.”   
  
“True,” Bill said. Wondering how on earth he’d spent so long trying to shove his twin out of his life. It had indeed been easier to be angry but he hadn’t realised how damn lonely it had been.   
  
“I don’t like your groupies. There’s so many of them,” he said quickly.   
  
Tom gave him an odd look. “There aren’t that many.”   
  
This time Bill gave Tom his own look. “More than me.”   
  
“Yeah but... that’s becau— you’re special,” Tom said haltingly.   
  
Bill rolled his eyes, “Don’t sugar coat it. I wouldn’t say being a virgin is all that special.”   
  
“What about Sammi?”   
  
“She was a bitch. We never did it.”   
  
“Oh?” Tom’s eyebrows had risen.   
  
“I thought you’d guessed I was making it up,” Bill said, genuinely surprised.   
  
Sammi had been his last girlfriend before they left to go on tour and while he’d loved the idea of sporting a cute girl on his arm, that’s pretty much where the attraction ended. Even though that wasn’t the story he’d shared with his band mates. Not long after he’d realised he was, in fact, not really into girls and once they’d embarked on tour offers from men weren’t exactly popping up like daises because publically, he wasn’t gay.   
  
“Well, I kind of did but I hadn’t really thought about it,” Tom admitted.   
  
Bill smiled softly. “Are you planning on de-virginising me?”   
  
Tom turned beet red and spluttered. “Oh my god... Bill!”   
  
“What?” Bill pulled the innocent card, blinking up at his brother.   
  
“We’re... we only just... Bill!”   
  
Bill rolled his eyes. “You’re the one that said there can’t be a ‘too much.’   
  
Tom’s eyes were so wide Bill thought they might pop right out their sockets. “I know, but... shit.”   
  
“If this is going to be a sexless relationship then I’m out,” Bill made to heave himself off the bed but was stopped by Tom’s hand pushing against his belly.   
  
“No,” Tom said hoarsely. “Sorry, you’re right...wow...”   
  
Bill nodded. “Yep.”   
  
“Can you... give me time to get my head around this,” Tom looked at Bill.   
  
“I didn’t mean right away, you know,” Bill told him. “I’m the one who should be freaking out, anyway.” He didn’t voice that inside, he really was.   
  
“Oh yeah?” Tom looked at him. “How’d you work that one out?”   
  
Bill blushed, not having realised he would have to spell it out for his brother. “Because... well. I—I’m not really sure  _I_  really want to do the fucking. Not yet at least.”   
  
It took a second for the words to hit Tom and Bill watched his expressions change like clockwork; confusion, realisation, second guessing, and finally the unmistakable look of teenage lust. The last one pleased Bill quite a bit though he was in no way about to admit that.   
  
“I see,” Tom said slowly. He continued to pet Bill’s tummy and then scooted down to lay beside Bill. “This is really weird,” he said.   
  
“That’s what I keep telling you.”   
  
“Yeah,” Tom nodded, staring at the ceiling.   
  
“Tomi?” Bill said quietly, curling on his side to face Tom.   
  
“Mm?”   
  
“Can you not... I mean,” Bill hedged. “Can we take this... really,  _really_  slow. God, I don’t even know what we’re doing.” He groaned, covering his face with his hands.   
  
“I’m taking this slowly... and seriously. We  _have_  to take this seriously,” Tom said, and Bill believed him. “You’re not some groupie.”   
  
“Nothing like,” Bill scoffed.   
  
Tom’s hand lifted to remove Bill’s hands from his cheeks. “Nothing like,” he repeated.   
  
“You’d better remember that,” Bill warned, waggling a finger in Tom’s face.   
  
Tom laughed. “Oh, I don’t think you’ll let me forget.”   
  
Bill felt himself smiling, so utterly content with the moment he wanted to hover in it forever. If they could just be like this all the time, easy and familiar with no deep talks or nagging feelings that this was really wrong. Perhaps only one thing would improve right now and as if Tom had read his mind, he leant in to press a soft kiss to Bill’s lips.   
  
“Mm,” Bill said into the kiss, urging Tom to come closer.   
  
Tom complied, bridging the gap between them and laying half on top of Bill.   
  
This was  _so_  much better than anything Bill had ever experienced. Tom’s lips moved against his own, pressing lightly at first. A flicker of tongue against his lip made Bill moan and he opened his mouth, wrapping his arms around Tom to haul their bodies closer. Like this, he could completely shut down.   
  
“I can’t believe we’ve never done this,” Tom said, pulling back for a moment before kissing Bill again and again and again.   
  
“I can’t believe we’re  _doing_  this,” Bill countered as Tom nipped his earlobe.   
  
He couldn’t help himself; Bill arched off the bed slightly and pushed his tongue into Tom’s mouth, more than happy to let Tom push back, his body now covering nearly all of Bill. Their tongues wound together, lapping at the insides of each other’s mouths and riling Bill up so much he’d have a hard time resisting any... manly urges.   
  
“Mmph,” Tom pulled away with a slight wet sound. “There it is.” He was grinning.   
  
“What?” Bill was confused, feeling hot and wanting more.  
  
“Sexy Bill,” Tom replied smoothly.   
  
“I’m always sexy,” Bill smirked.   
  
Tom shook his head, “No.” Bill was about to shove his twin off for lack of finesse but he went on. “You’re always beautiful. Untouchable, you know? Right now you’re sexy. It’s not like you even know it, you’re just doing it. ”   
  
Bill could feel himself blushing. “Oh.”   
  
Tom grinned and then leant down to kiss him again. Tom was so good at this, his smooth ways with the ladies clearly didn’t end with just words and that led Bill to thinking; where  _did_  it end?   
  
He wiggled beneath his twin, surprised to discover how turned on they both were.   
  
“Oh my god,” he stilled his movement and so did Tom.   
  
“Sorry,” he mumbled, trying to pull away from Bill but Bill held on fast.   
  
“No, don’t be,” Bill assured him. “This is fine, right? Not too much for now?”   
  
Tom shook his head and said again, “There can’t be a too much,” with a lopsided smile.   
  
“But,” Bill bit his lip. “I’m kind of tired.”  _And scared shitless._  
  
He gave his brother wide, pleading eyes that he hoped would convey what he didn’t want to voice. This was such a big deal, he wasn’t about to rush anything and talk of sex had both riled him and made his insides twist with nerves.   
  
Tom’s lips connected with his own, soothingly, as though to say  _it’s okay, we’re okay_  and then dotted little kisses over his face, his cheeks, his nose, eyelids.   
  
Bill sighed as Tom rolled to his side, scooping Bill right against his chest.   
  
“I love you, Bill,” Tom whispered the words so quietly that Bill barely caught them, but he felt them puff over his lips and smiled. In Tom’s arms he felt safe and relaxed at last, but deep inside he knew this was just the beginning. And was he really ready to take such a huge leap of faith?   
  
His last thought before drifting to sleep in Tom’s arms was;  _what if this all falls apart?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! More to come soon. Sorry for the rollercoaster again, like I said, it's how I'm rolling with this one :) 
> 
> Especially bipolar Bill, he's ma fave. 
> 
> All ma lurvin to you all!


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